Mud, Sweat & Tears

This title is not only of the wonderful book of Moire O’sullivan which is so inspiring but it also reflects on what i’ve been going through the last two months. Moire was the first woman to cross the Wiclow round (Ireland’s remotest mountain peaks) in just under 24 hours. One can learn a lot about determination and courage from this brave lady. Every night while i was reading a section from this book i was a bit jealous because at times i wished it was me running on those mountains and not sitting at home with a disfunctional leg.

Those kind of inspiring runners like Moire, Scott Jurek , Anna Frost , Stephanie Howe and Ellie Greenwood who have gone through so many rough times throughout their career have helped me to believe that this horrible ‘injury period’ would finally go away and i could come back even stronger than before. That belief has been on my mind for the last 6 months. Six long and painful months during which i hadn’t been able to enjoy running as much as i used to. In fact, i lived in pain most the time.

Too many injuries, too much pain…every time i seemed to recover from one injury another one emerged and nowadays it seems as a never-ending story.

I know that my slow recovery and many of those injuries are completely my fault for training too hard, my lack of rest and my persistence of running even with pain. I’m not really a person who gives up that easily. After all, i ran my first ultra with pain in my right foot for almost 11 hours. Those 11 hours of mountain running were the best ones i had this whole year and i’ll be forever grateful for those moments i spent there on the Swiss Alps. Yet, at this point i have no choice but to accept the fact i will never be the same runner i used to be. At the beginning of this week i was telling my friends i decided to quit running for good. The promise lasted for 1 day exactly.

That’s the problem…it’s not just that i love running… I Am A runner…that’s who i am. I need running. It’s the one part of my life that makes everything better, that helps me to forget things i want to forget, that provided me plentiful hours of freedom, joy and happiness. Running has enabled me to enjoy the beautiful autumn colors, full moon nights, the first snowfall, the awakening of the nature in spring and those endless hours of light during summertime. This is something i will never be able to give up on…but somehow deep inside i’m starting to realize i’ll never run with the same joy as i used to because i’m always running with a certain pain in my body.

With my last injury- the strained hamstring, i was hoping i’d get back on my feet after 4-5 weeks. It has been now 8 weeks during which i did get better but i still can’t run pain free. My weeks have started to look like a repeating cycle: During weekdays i go every day to my group exercises (sometimes even 2 per day) and then i spend an hour at the gym mainly on the elliptical. Then during weekend i either go for a long bike ride , long run or hill reps. However, it seems that those weekend activities are rewarding me with horrible cramps which last for 4-5 days- the days i spend exercising indoors. I do love exercising indoors, but those exercises cannot provide me the endurance i need to run long-runs.

Malminkartano hill has become my second home in the last months. We have a love-hate relationship. I visit the hill once per week at least. With each climb i finish gasping and exhausted, the top of the hill greets me with a cold breeze , beautiful sunsets and autumn colors and spectacular view of Helsinki from above. My legs are agonizing but nothing can be compared to the feeling i have when i reach the top for the last time and then i just stretch , do some core training and enjoy the view! However, i pay a high price days later with horrible cramps on my right leg. Still, i’m addicted to this place. I’ve learnt to enjoy those climbs and i seem to get better and better in climbing those 428 steps each time i visit there.

This week i suffered from horrible cramps after hill reps on that hill but somehow when the cramps are gone my legs seem to be stronger. Yesterday i went for my first long-run since the injury. My Garmin crashed 4 km into my run so i had the pleasure of running free and slow and stopping whenever i needed. I had the best 3 hours running along Vantaa river until the pain from my right foot returned. A similar to the one i had during Swissalpine. I think it was then when i reached my breaking point. All i wanted was just to stop and cry. Even though my right leg was functioning quite well to my surprise, i had to stop and take the train home because the pain in my foot was not something i could just run on…

I wish i had known what was causing the pain but today when i went again for my steps wokrout on ‘my hill’ i again almost bursted in tears since i had to face the pain from climbing and the pain in my foot while descending. And the downhills are my favorite part! There’s nothing i like more than running fast downhils and feeling like a child again.

So yes, after 6 long months maybe i need to accept the fact i’ll never run again…at least not pain free. And this comes just 5 weeks before my second ultra- CTS Dorset. This was supposed to be my ‘redemption’ race. The one race i could actually run and not think about some painful part in my body…but that’s probably not gonna happen. But as i said earlier, i’m not a person who give up easily, if needed, i will crawl on my knees to the finish line…but i will. I really don’t want this to happen but if there’s no choice, that’s what i’ll do. Then, i’ll quit….