Fighting for a lost cause ?

It seems that my battles with injuries are not over. This is however, the last battle, simply because if i’m not able to get my legs back during the next two months..my whole 2016 race plans are about to fall apart.

During January-February i started gradually to increase my milage on a weekly basis. By mid. February i reached almost 100km which felt great. All my runs were slow , but enjoyable, not in any severe pain . However, it seems that it was too much for my right hamstring, and now i seem to suffer from hamstring tendonitis . Ironically, it’s the same injury which started this whole chain of events. I guess me running with an injured tendon during Nuuksio Classic Marathon, lead to an acute muscle tear which is still not fully healed. On the bright side, my hamstring muscle is now almost as good as before. Not quite as strong as the other one, but i’m getting there slowly. However, i don’t know for how long i can go on like that…For the past year my main training has become my cross-training. I’m not sure how much longer i can continue with only gym trainings. It’s unbelievably hard to spend every day almost 2-4 hours training indoors. There is no way i can prepare myself this way for a whole day mountain run i’m supposed to run this summer- twice.

There’s this part of me who can’t give up, no matter what. Even if i’ll never run again as i used to, i’ve worked so hard in the last year that it would be such a shame to see it go to waste. I think most of those consequences are my fault. My initial ‘recovery’ program after i strained my muscle included steps intervals on a hill instead of a physical therapy. And that’s my Achilles’ heel. The same thing that makes me happy, that i literally can’t live without is the same thing that hurts my legs. When i had my stress fracture last year, i went to so many doctors until i almost burst in tears. I had pain with each and every step i took and all i heard was ‘rest’, ‘don’t run’ ‘it will go away in few months’….which was true but not the kind of help i needed. So i stopped seeing doctors or physical therapists. I’m sure there are many good ones, but maybe i just haven’t found yet the one that will actually help me. Instead , i read online and searched for videos about exercises for hamstring tendonitis and i’m doing them daily. I’m also more realistic now, so i stopped running almost completely, instead, to deal with my urge to run on sunny days, i walk/jog (5 min/ 5 min) just so that i could enjoy the outdoors- however, i'm being careful , so the moment i feel pain i stop and walk . I’ve also found a ‘way’ to practice climbing with minimal 'damage': I climb fast (by walking mostly) my hill and then run downhill (running downhill almost doesn’t hurt) . I spent last weekend doing that for 2.5 hours with 1000m elevation gain. There was an impact on my shin bones due to the downhill running but in total , the hamstring was fine. This is the best way to train my legs for long days on mountains. I must admit it was mentally hard, i was lucky not be nauseous after climbing 22! times the hill, but i was so happy after the last time! . I know that no PT would approve this kind of exercise for a ahsmtring injury, but the fact i can do that every week and witness how my legs get stronger and stronger means the world.

I can’t even express how much i just want to feel like a regular person again. Not to think each minute why and when it will hurt. A regular person who can run and not think about pain. I can’t even remember how it feels like. I truly and deeply hope that by begining of April i’ll be at least able to run slowly. In fact, i’m grateful that the weather is still cold and grey most of the days. Had it been spring now…there’s no way i could have ‘force’ myself to go swimming today instead of going for a run :)

Every day i remind myself i should be grateful that the pain is not as severe as it used to be 6 months ago, that i can walk and sit without pain and most importantly, i can train indoors and do all my group exercises almost without pain. That’s a huge gift. When i spin the stationary bike or on the elliptical i sometimes imagine how it be to run on Mont Blanc in summer and i ‘feed’ my mind with happy thoughts … but am i fighting for a lost cause ? I know myself too well to know i’ll be standing on the start line no matter what. But there’s no way i can sustain such a difficult run without proper training or with an injury. I’m hoping for two things: that i can make it through March without running ( that’s so hard…) and that by beginning of April i’ll be able to start running again.

Ironically and sadly , my race in Israel, was cancelled by the organizers, but perhaps it’s a good thing after all. I was planning instead to go for solo mountain running in the Golan mountains with my dog Mika, but that can only happen if i’m better. Moreover, lately i’ve been dreaming about going to Scotland to run the Glen Great Way ! I really want to visit there one day and i was thinking that May could be great. I know i’m probably feeding my mind with illusions, but one can dream , right?

Meanwhile, I'm so busy at work and with teaching so it keeps my mind a bit busy...:) Besides, i’ve just started to read ‘Feet in the Clouds’ to keep me motivated ( not sure if i need though….) while i’m waiting and hoping to get my leg back.