Losing hope , finding hope

The last month has been quite an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to my legs…( and also other aspects of my life..). Just about a month ago, i left for a short vacation at home…and there’s no place like home. It came just when i needed it. My legs were in horrific situation and i felt so desperate . Moreover, i just finished a busy month of non-stop work, teaching and studying myself for exams so i really needed few days off. Even though it was so short , it felt so good , that in those 5 days i felt better than i felt in the past 2 months before. Just spending time running, hiking with my dog, quality time with family and friends was so needed. I even found time to visit a physical therapist i went to also in my previous visit, and she made me really worried, saying that my hamstring muscle is very weak, and at this point it should be stronger … (as if i didn’t know that…). She also ‘encouraged’ me by saying that in severe muscle tears , it might take YEARS to recover, and even then, it will never be the same. When i left her office i sadly accepted the situation that i’ll never run again normally at least in the next year. Somehow it wasn’t too hard to digest. I think i have started to realize it myself lately.

In spite of everything, i did start to notice a slight improvement. First, it was less painful to run, which enabled me to run a bit at home. Then, there were other ‘small’ signs. I could cycle and notice my left leg is not compensating for the right one as much as before, i could do my group exercises with almost no pain. That’s already an improvement .

GOPR3352

Having fun with my girl at home

And then came ‘Bodom trail’ . I really wanted to run it. the whole 21km. A week before, i was really optimistic. I went for a group run of the last 9km of the course, and even though i had cramps, i was feeling good . It made me so happy. I knew i could go to the race and at least try to run it slow. Furthermore, it seemed that my tendon was healing and getting better and my only issue is the muscle weakness.

Therefore, i guess it wasn’t a really good idea to run hill reps on my hill just the weekend before. Not only did i fall down and smashed my arm and leg.. ( and of course kept running bleeding for 2 hours…) i got really bad muscle cramps that i was sure i’d never run by Thursday. The situation was so bad that just 2 days before the race i could barely jog slowly without pain. A day before i couldn’t walk without pain! That didn’t even stop me to go for my favorite class 'intervalBody’ which is so essential for my legs. When i woke up on the race morning i was so nervous and afraid . All my muscles were still cramped but the hamstring felt a bit better. My plan was as follows : just see how you can run and then see how it goes. I swear, at that point i wasn’t sure i could run 100m without a sever pain. When i biked to the bus station, i immediately felt cramps from yesterday’s class…but then i saw my tree. I call it ‘my tree’ which is funny…but that’s only since we meet almost every day and somehow it resonates with my mood. When it blooms, i know that everything will be ok and feel better. I was waiting all April for it to bloom as if i knew that once it blooms i could run again. And it did , on the 5th of May, the race day. It was like a sign for me that i would be fine. And i really was. My legs were tired, i struggled, i decided to run only the first 12 km to avoid horrible cramps but i was in such a happy place. For a moment, all the pain was gone, i didn’t care about the mud, the swamps…i was running again, almost racing…a feeling i missed so much. And it was so nice to meet several fellow runners that i haven’t seen for a long time! It was a day to remember. I started to re-gain confidence in my legs. For the first time i realized that even though my hamstring is weak, my legs are strong enough to let me run uphills that i couldn’t run few years back.

And not just running made me feel better. To my surprise, i realized i’m a better cyclist. I’m not sure if it’s due to all the spin classes ..but i’m faster. At first, i thought it’s my imagination. But then, on last week’s group ride, i asked why we were going slower than usual, and they answered, that we were actually fast, that it just a false feeling of someone who can ride faster now than last year. On the next day, i went again for some hill cycling, and i realized i was not imagining…i could actually cycle hills so much better than last year. It’s so good to know, that in spite of me losing hope and fitness over the last year….there are some parts of my legs that are stronger. All those long hours of spin classes and elliptical have paid off :)

Hope was there again. A slight hope , but a hope. Is that the reason i signed up this week for NUTS Karhunkierros 80km ? not sure. Maybe it’s my desperate attempt to find redemption after last year’s horrible experience of running with a fresh ankle sprain. I know it’s crazy, i know i’m most likely not to finish it. And that is OK. I ‘m not sure i’ll get another ‘Dorset miracle’. But i am sure, that for few hours that i’ll be running there, i’ll be free, i’ll be happy no matter how far i reach. Anyway, they say that whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, right ? :)