“I got guns in my head and they won't go, spirits in my head and they won't go…”

I haven’t been writing here for so long, there are few reasons for that. I was lazy (?) , i’ve been going through such a dark period i really wasn’t in the mood to write anything and honestly, i was writing the blog for two main reasons: a way for me to collect my running adventures memories and it was a way for me to deal with my injuries. Except very few friends of mine who have been checking my blog for time to time i had no idea if someone actually read here…and ironically this also made it easier for me to write here since i’m not really a person who shares feelings openly and easily. Yesterday morning , i woke up and i was feeling so down ( yes, that happens a lot lately..) and suddenly when i opened my mail i read a very nice email from Tom, saying he was reading my blog and he sought for advice regarding his hamstring tendonitis injury. And suddenly it hit me…my injuries: they suck big time…but i might actually help others which makes me feel so much better. I wish somebody had told me almost two years ago not to run the Nuuksio trail marathon which raptured my hamstring muscle for life. In fact, i’m often joking, that one day i’ll be able to write the ‘complete injuries book which will benefit many athletes out there…

So here it goes, this post has been written sporadically throughout the past 4 months, and now it’s time to finally update it. This post is dedicated to all runners out there who are injured and think they will never run again….

Somewhere in beginning of February

It’s been almost two weeks since i ran for the last time (excluding me running after the bus in the morning…). And it was actually a great run. It was snowing , so wanted to finally run without my studded shoes. I love snow runs. This winter, there was not too much snow in Helsinki unlike previous years, so most of the time i had to run on ice rather than on soft white powder. Anyhow, my right ankle was slightly sore but i still couldn’t resist. So i ran. Beautiful, fast (relatively…) and flat 18km. Just a regular normal run. One of those runs that i simply don’t care about my speed, i just run at the pace that will let me enjoy but also push hard when i want, feeling my lungs burn as i accelerate towards the end…i missed that feeling for so long. However, apparently , the day after nothing was normal. My right ankle was so sore i could barely walk without pain. That was the final straw i guess. Then, i realized, that limiting my weekly distance to minimum might help to keep a moderate level of fitness but surely my body was trying to tell me something else. My body needed to rest. It was then that i decided to ‘push’ the full reset button. I made a vow to myself that until i can walk pain free and feel normal again i won’t be running again. It’s been ‘only’ two weeks but it feels like forever. Just like in previous times, going through running rehab is not getting easier . In fact, it’s even more difficult, but i have no choice. For the first time, i don’t care about fitness, about races , in fact, i don’t even want to run because all i remember is pain. The pain that strikes once i finish my runs.…i want to run free, not to think about the pain i’m causing myself. My legs have done a lot for me, and they will hopefully take me to many wonderful place this year. I swear i’m not even sure if it’s possible…but i just want to run again like i used to about 3 years ago. When i just put on my running shoes , went for a run when i needed and just enjoyed the feeling.

"I've been looking at the stars tonight And I think oh, how I miss that bright sun I'll be a dreamer 'til the day I die..."

9th of May

Three very long months have passed. There are few things i’m quite certain now which i wasn’t back then. Each injury or illness is different. You can’t treat all injuries the same. I stopped running. I thought that would help. It wasn’t long till i started feeling moody and depressed. And i mean depressed in the full meaning of depression. Yes, running fills me with joy but it also helps me to keep me sane as well. But i was not only depressed due to loss of running. Weeks have passed and it felt as if nothing was getting better. I have never felt that before. Week after week, i was only doing yoga, bodyweight training, spin classes and yet, nothing has changed, at least it seemed that way. I mean, with my hamstring injury, i could feel the difference from week to week, but in this case, the improvement was almost unnoticeable. The worst part which i think i didn't want to admit to myself, was that being on the elliptical, spin classes, the group fitness exercise , they all somehow initiated my pain. Should i just avoid any type of activity ? Even yoga seemed to hurt as some point. I knew it was the nerve in my foot but i had no idea how to deal with it and then i realized that something must be changed. So i desperately tried to seek for medical help. After about one month rolling between doctors and physiotherapists, which was not helpful, i was referred to an orthopaedist who offered me to take a cortisone injection, which basically means an anti-inflammatory drug injected straight to the foot which should expedite the healing process and provide a relief. Well at least that was what i thought.

At this point, I must confess that few weeks earlier after almost 3 months with no running i gave up on running pain free since i realized that a mild pain which makes me happy is better than no running at all, so i started gradually to run again only to realize that my hamstring gets cramped heavily after even 20min jogging…but on the other hand, being outside again, moving even if it was just for an hour was something i needed so much! With that mindset, i ran few slow runs while visiting home back on Easter and i even managed to run few social runs here in Finland ( i love those much! ) and eventually i ran 21km of Bodom trail, one of my favorite local trail races. It felt so good to be running again, but also bad since i wasn’t able to ‘push’ hard and really race and deep inside i knew i was not helping my foot to heal. I knew i couldn’t go on like that anymore. I mean, i’ve had enough of this pain and i just couldn’t take it any longer so 2 days after Bodom trail i was at the doctor’s office ready to get the injection ( and yes, i had my 'final' painful long run just the day before since i knew i had to say 'bye bye running' all over again).

"I spent a lot of nights on the run And I think oh, like I'm lost and can't be found I'm just waiting for my day to come..."

4th of June

Well, it has now been 4 weeks from the injection. I was not allowed to train for two weeks and then only start with easy exercising. The doc. said also ‘no extreme activity’ for 4 weeks…i wonder what did the doc. considered as extreme…

I know that many will find that weird, but the hardest part for me was ….Resting. It was so awkward and unfamiliar to just no to do anything. I mean, yes, i could watch my favorite series, read books, see friends…but hell….i wanted to run, bike, jump….be outside. But the thought of being able to run again soon was helping me to get through this. Slowly, after two weeks i could actually walk pain free…almost. I was also doing a lot of physio exercises that i got from my physiotherapist which helped me to feel better. The feeling of getting up in the morning and being able to walk almost normally…i forgot what it was like. During the past 4 months i started having inflammation on my left foot and annoying left lower back pain due to overcompensation. So running and jumping still hurt but i could walk…

Last week, i travelled to Annecy (France), which was supposed to mark the beginning of my racing season with Maxi-race 83km. I’m not sure what was more painful…seeing the expo and all the runners and knowing i cannot run any longer than 10km or hiking up a mountain joyfully and on the next day realizing my foot is more painful than ever before. I felt so frustrated….i was so lucky Johannes was there with me as i was so physically and emotionally broken. I mean, i had not considered that a hike up the mountain and a slow run downhill would initiate such a horrible pain. I could barely walk. We biked and took a paddle boat which was great and enjoyable …and this amazingly beautiful place helped me to forget about my pain for a while…i wish i could stay there forever.

2 days after i got back, i finally did MRI scan. Unsurprisingly, i got ‘mild arthritis’ which basically means every step hurts and ‘fluid accumulation’ which i’m still waiting for doctor’s interpretation.

So, i guess that my initial plan in the beginning of the year to rest for two weeks and then start running again was slightly misunderstood by my feet.

Now after almost 6 months without any proper running it’s not the fitness i lost that i care ( although i’m not gonna lie , i doubt i will ever run again as i used to 3 year back), it’s those social runs i miss, it’s the pain when i see all those FB events i can’t go, seeing how all my running buddies race and run while i simply can’t. Watching outside the window on a warm sunny day wishing i could go for a long run. That’ s what hurts the most. Hell, i miss walking normally, going to the gym without feeling like i’m hurting myself.

So, initially my summer plans included 4 ultra-mountain races with the TDS ( UTMB) being my main goal. Now, it seems i’ll be lucky if i ever run again this year at all. Despite all, i have to be grateful for several things in my life: Netflix for providing plenty of enjoyable hours when i couldn’t run, yoga which helped me so much with my hamstring and made me feel so much better when i was sad, Dream theater and all those other songs who filled my ears with great music which helped me to cope with the situation, and Johannes who’s always there for me trying his best to help.

"And I don't want a never ending life I just want to be alive while I'm here..."

“To really feel the joy in life

You must suffer through the pain

When you surrender to the light

You can face the darkest days” (Dream Theater, The illumination theory)