Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Just as i thought the summer of 2016 was a struggle , here comes the summer of 2017 and proves me how wrong i was…oh i little i knew and still i feel like i’m partially living in a darkness and i’m not sure if and when i’m gonna see the light again.

However, not everything is so dark….i’m writing this post after my first long training run in about 6 months…so even though it’s hard to believe i am making some progress, or at least i hope so.

Well, at least things could be worse. I mean , when i was told by my doctor about 2 months ago i might not run again and even if i do , it will be painful…oh and that in the best case i have about 10 years of running left before i need a surgery i thought running would be something i can only dream about. And so i left the doctor’s office with a sore foot i could barely walk on and a recommendation :’ Take it easy this summer’. Oh yes, this summer is anything but easy…:=)

After few days of digesting the news from the doctor , all depressed and full of self-pity, i realized that taking pain killers , resting and hoping for a life in which i could walk pain free was all i could do. So i embraced an active life which included plenty of gym and group exercises, cycling and swimming. And i must admit it was not as bad at all! Mostly, since i did not even want to run cause unfortunately it was associated with pain rather than happiness in my brain. In addition, cycling and swimming are not my favorite outdoor activities but they kept me active outside! without feeling any pain (almost ) which was most important.

Then came Lavaredo ultra trail, or most precisely, it was time to leave for Cortina, Italy. One part of me was of course excited to visit the Alps again, especially since it’s my first time in the Dolomites. Besides, pain or not…it’s still a vacation! Cortina was an amazing surprise ! I was really impressed by the special beauty of the surrounding Dolomites (no wonder so many movies were shot here..). The mountains are so special here…so unique and different than other areas of the Alps. At the same time it was hard as well since after hiking on the first day my pain got worse and so of course my mood went down. It wasn’t really helping to see all the nice atmosphere of the town due to the race and thousands of runners! I met few runners and talked with them and all i could think was how lucky there were for just being there starting the race, no matter whether they finish or not. It was extremely difficult to see the start of the ultra trail at night knowing i should have been there and not only i could not start i doubt i could run as much as 10km. On the other hand, i could hike. Yes, i had pain and it wasn’t fun as it should but at least i could do it, unlike in Annecy. So i had this amazing hike to Lago di Sorapis (Thanks to the reception lady the hotel:=) which was just what i needed to forget about all the pain in my life. I think this short hike was one of the most beautiful i’ve ever seen and hiked ! I also had few short hikes with Johannes and for the first time i realized i really want to try climbing via ferrata which is so popular in the Dolomites.

Anyway, shortly after returning from Italy i reached my second low bottom this summer and i surely wasn’t expected it. Few days after returning from Cortina i had to go to Spain for a working trip (i had to take a summer course related to my studies) and we were staying in small town close to Barcelona, Terassa. Few months before going there i was actually happy since thought i’d be able to train on the mountains around. However, running was not an option, and definitely not on mountains. Each evening, me and my colleague were taking long walks in Terassa which is such a lovely and lively! I even started folk dancing there on one of the evenings…and i never dance! It was the first time i realized how fun it is just to dance even if i had to learn the steps by watching others and sometimes getting instructed in Spanish by random people (yes, everybody thinks i'm Spanish when i'm in Spain which is one of the reasons i love visiting there!)

Besides, there’s something so happy and lively about the Spanish people that is just contagious. However, each walking was very painful so i always had to sit after a while rest my feet. It’s quite obvious i’m not a person who can sit all days without doing anything and now that i could not bike , swim or go to gym i was simply going crazy. So on the second day i went for a short run which i had to end after 10km more or less since i could not go any longer and after 5 days i even used the gym at the student’s dorms which was nothing more than few old machines in a hot smelly close room...yes, i reached a new level of desperation. On the last day of the course we went to Barcelona and stayed there for the weekend and since i don’t like crowded and big cities (and i’ve already been to Barcelona last year) i wanted to go again to Montserrat to climb but this time i knew i couldn’t, so i joined my colleague for sightseeing only to realize i could not walk further than 3 km and i had to stop and just go and sit in a park next to the beach filled with pain and tears streaming over my face as the rain washed them. That was sad in so many levels that i actually didn’t know what to think anymore. I mean ,if i could not even walk flat in a city without causing severe pain what could be worse? It's almost crazy but when i saw several trail runners who were amputees i started to think that i could just get rid of my foot, get myself a prosthetic foot and run...it would be less painful..maybe ?

Yes, that's how pathetic i was.

When i came back to Helsinki i was at least relieved to be able to go cycling and to the gym! At that point i was so desperate that i tried to contact by email few Israeli doctors to check if there was any option to get treatment back at home. Soon after, I realized i could not get a treatment in Israel without actually visiting there for few months and since i was anyway planning to go back home in few months i thought it would be better to try another Finnish doctor. The local doctor said that there’s nothing to do except using cushioned shoes, not running and taking pain killers so nothing new basically but at least i got new pain killers.

Two of my Israeli friends came to visit me for few days shortly after returning from Spain and it’s horrible to admit that at first i wished they didn’t come cause i did feel like seeing and talking to anybody and mostly since i could not walk. I could not go with them outside and show them my favorite places in Helsinki. Luckily, they were so supportive and understating and they ended up having a good time! I was able to show them few places and luckily they ended up being happy and so was i eventually.

That was it, i was taking it easy and day by day i was getting better. I went for a short run on the day my friends left and surprisingly i was not having a huge setback afterwards. That was when i was starting to be slightly more optimistic. slight progress but considering that a week before i was not able to even walk it was something!

I have to mention also that during this summer i was exposed to so many unbelievable stories that motivated me dream again. The stories of Stephanie Case and Adam Campbell who were severely injured in climbing accidents and against all odds returned to run. Stephanie ran the Western States 100 miles and Adam ran the Hardrock 100. They both totally rock and are incredibly inspiring. Somehow their stories and struggle to run again gave me hope that i could do the same one day. I wanted to believe just like Stephanie, that there are no limitations. Limitations exist in our minds only and we must overcome them. Then of course, there was the Kaci Lickteig who's perhaps my favorite trail runner not because she wins races but more because of how she runs them when things don't go as planned. Her Western States race was a pure example of how incredibly strong she is. I just wish to be like that. She's just so humble and is not afraid to show her weakness that is something so rare nowdays. And last but not least, the heroic win of Kilian in Hardrock with a dislocated shoulder..what else can be said about this runner that has not yet been told ?

Anyways, week later i was in Austria (yes, i was travelling a lot in July…) in Kaprun, a tiny mountain town near Zell am see in Tyrol. This time however, as scared as i was couldn’t just travel and not reach the start line. Maybe it was since i was a bit more optimistic regarding my foot, maybe it was since Johannes and Hannah (my Swedish friend whom i met in the CCC last year) were running there as well and maybe it was since i simply missed running so much!

Hannah was so disappointed when i told her i could not run 110km with her as we planned initially but i encouraged her to run and told her she should go for it no matter what. I had doubts whether i should run the 30km race or the 50km race and then the insane me chose the 50km . Yes, 50km after almost 8 months of no running is more than crazy, some might say stupid, dangerous but at that point i think i did not care at all to DNF and being on the start line was the most important thing. And so it was, again, even though i swore i’d never again be on a start line when i’m terrified and anxious due to injury, oops, i i did it again!

Filled with plenty of pain killers, i ran the most technical and insanely spectacular mountain runs and i just couldn’t stop smiling. I think i just missed that feeing so much that even though i was in pain i just did not care. And it was painful. The first 7km were fast and flat and i hated it, i started to have pain , my hamstring who's not really functioning after long rest periods was already cramped and i was already planning to stop at the first aid station at 17km. I was just thinking to myself : let’s run 10km to reach the station and then it’s over. However, not sure even why, once we started climbing on the fist long steep ascent i could catch my breath and the pain subsided. I was really surprised but when i finally reached the first station i was feeling better and even though i was exhausted and my body sure isn’t used anymore to run for long hours, i ran with my heart and that was enough. When reached the final descent i was so happy that there was no pain i was simply flying all the way back to Kaprun. This day was needed so badly that all i could think was that it was worth it even if it meant resting for a whole month afterwards.

When i woke up the following day and i could actually walk with mostly muscle cramps i was simply glowing of happiness. I mean to think that just 2 weeks ago i was in agonizing pain from walking and now i ran for nearly 9 hours and i survived ! I mean yes, i had pain but it was nothing like i felt in Barcelona. When i told my therapist about this run (i was a bit embarrassed to tell) i could see the shock in his eyes...

In the following weeks i mainly tried to recover my sore muscles and feet and a week later i could run a short run and nowadays i try to limit my running to 1-2 runs a week but it’s not easy simply since i want to run more but at the same time i know i’d better rest before making further damage to my foot. I’m grateful but continuously scared. I still can’t walk pain free and i still have slight pain while running but i have hope or at least i hope i can return to run more in the next few months. I lost hope and now i found it again. And hope is the one thing in life one should never fear of losing. no matter what. I wish i could tell myself that 3-4 months ago.

So in few weeks i’m heading to Chamonix for the UTMB, or TDS in my case. I was thinking a lot whether i should defer for next year which i totally could if i wanted. But i don’t want to think about 2018 at the moment. I want to live right now. So there are two options: i either don’t start or i start and DNF since i lack the ability to run this race at the moment. I know i’m lucky just to be able to start and so i fully accept the possibility of DNF. After 2 DNS this summer i think DNF is so much better , it's all a matter of perspective. I’ll be more than happy to DNF this race rather than thinking i could not even start it. Yes, things have changed a lot since 2016.