Everything Fades To Gray

"When it all ends... When everything fades to gray, We dive into the darkness Some things are needless to say..."

When i came back to Finland in the beginning of the year my mom sent me a picture of my dog Mika and my nephew sleeping on my bed at night after i left to the airport. She said to me : 'Good things do not last long' meaning that they miss me and it was so nice to spend the Xmas break at home in my childhood room with my dog sleeping over my legs and spending time with my family whenever possible.

And now, about 5 months later i find it again so true, that good things do not last long enough. The sun might shine now but eventually it will rain.

Happiness is so temporary. It's just a moment and then it's gone. It's like a balloon that might explode any second. We're healthy but tomorrow we're sick .Today somebody says ' i love you' but tomorrow it's 'goodbye'. Without any warning sign. Our loved ones can leave and sometimes we do not even have the chance to say goodbye and : 'i love you and gonna miss you everyday of my life' . 'Thank you for being in my life'.

In fact, many times we fail to understand that happiness can be as simple as sunbathing under the summer warm sun but sometimes it seems like so far and unreachable. As if the rain will never stop. And it's finally summer here in Helsinki and i'm running 80km in Karhunkierros (Finnish Lapland) next week so maybe life could be worse. So why does it feel this way ?

I guess the reason is that there are so many uncertainties in my life at the moment ...will i find a job after completing my thesis ? will i find my way back home again ? will i be able to run tomorrow ? next week? next year ? Will i be able to finish the Karhunkierros next week unlike the previous time ? Will i start the Lavaredo Ultra trail this year unlike last year ? What other races will i run this year if any ? How and if ill be able to say goodbye to Finland , my home in almost 7 years ??.

So many things to worry about and it feels like i lost my path and i need to go back in track. It's only and only my ability to run that has kept me alive and sane in the past months after Transgrancanaria. After the race i had so many recovery issues that till now i'm still not 100% . First, it was my hamstring cramping and causing pain. Then i had a severe flu for few weeks and once i started to recover i realized my ankles and feet are sore due to problems with my tibias interior muscle in both legs. In fact, i still have pain when running but i've been gradually and slowly getting better from week to week so i hope it's enough to keep me going. I run much more than in the fall. It is a bliss. The ability to run almost everyday, to go on community runs, meeting friends , plogging...all the things i lost last year . It's priceless. My biggest fear is losing my ability to run again. Running is (almost) as essential as breathing for me. It keeps me alive. Especially when life gets tough. Last year at the same time i was broken : I was just struggling through cortisone injection, arthritis, races i couldn't race. I remember lying on the bed in my b&b in Annecy a day after hiking there for the first time and i felt as if the world was ending. 'What would i do if i can't even hike ? what's wrong with me ? Is there any meaning to life if all i have is pain ? ' Those were my thoughts back then. So now, despite everything i'm grateful ! my heart is full of joy whenever i get to run in Nuuksio national park or complete a good workout. My training is not anymore just indoors like last year. This is good...but just like i said in the beginning of my post...good things don't last long...at least not in my life it seems ..so i try to embrace every moment my legs provide me happiness. Every tiny sign of pain causes me stress. I know i might lose all this anytime since my body is not fully recovered yet. There are blisters and muscle soreness and arthritis but i can run for now and so i'm grateful. Last week i lost my wallet or it was stolen from me...i'm not sure yet what happened. At first it seemed like the most horrible thing to lose. But over the weekend i realized that there are so many worse things to lose in life: health, friends, someone you love, family. Those are the most important things in life. Few lost cards are not good news but not the end of the world. Losing somebody you care about hurts way more. Not being able to do the things you love hurts like hell.

When i graduated from my Bachelors years ago i felt quite similar to now. I had no job yet and on top of that, my boyfriend and best friend back then left me just as i was studying for my final exams. It was the first time in my life i felt like the world has ended. Except it didn't. I was depressed for a long time, but i was lucky enough to have good friends in my life to keep me going and with time things got better. I feel similar now. I am about to finish my PhD. Just few chapters on my thesis and hopefully it's ready in 1-2 months and then what's next ? Will i find a job ? Should i stay in Finland or leave ? How will i leave the place that has been my home for almost seven years ? I'm torn between my love for this place and the place which is my home. Israel. I want to go back to my hometown, to my family and friends, to my mountains. At the same time, i know i wouldn't have become a runner and a cyclist if i hadn't lived here. I met here so many friends, got to know amazing people and places and i became a better person here. Will i be the same once i go back home ? will i be able to run as much and train as here ? What will be the gym there? Indoor training has a huge part in my life. In fact, indoor classes have become an integral part of my training and i love them so much.

All is left is to hope for the best but expect the worse. Just like i say to myself before every race. I never know if i finish or if i fall down and get injured. Yet, i start running and then see wherever the path leads me. Sometimes i reach the finish line and sometimes i don't. But i always try. If only life was as simple as a race! How ridiculous it is that i can finish 30 hours of running on mountains with sore feet and legs but sometimes other things in life, like getting a job you love or finding a good friend feel impossible ? If only i could just live on top of some mountain and just run every day with my dog Mika it would be a perfect solution....

My cat died 3 months ago. She was a rescue cat i found 10 years ago and she suffered from kidney failure in the past year until she could not take it anymore and died. It's sad and heartbreaking especially since she was in pain and i wasn't there in the last years of her life. However, had i not found her near my home10 year ago and insisted to adopt her she would not survive more than few months as a street cat. She had a good life for 10 years, no doubt. She became a great companion and was happy in all the years she was alive. Perhaps this is the essence of life. Nothing lasts forever. A new life begins and ends everyday. We never know when and if we're gonna lose our loved ones.

However, it's better to take the risk and love somebody, to do something you love, to say the words we're so scared of rather than not doing any of those and regretting for the rest of our lives . Better love and lose rather than not love at all. Better start a race and DNF than not try at all.

The last time i saw my dog Joy, it was a very early Sunday morning 9 years ago and i was on my way to work and just before i left my room i noticed she was lying on my pillow staring at me. She has never done that before. She usually just slept under my table or in one of the other rooms.

Few days later she died from a cancerous tumor which we would find out too late obviously and i was not there during her last days or moments. I'll never forget this morning when she stared at me as i was leaving. I had no idea it was the last time i'd ever see her but it was as if she knew that. She was saying goodbye to me in her own way. At least that's what chose to believe. Deep in my heart i've always known i'd have to say goodbye to her one day but it always felt so far away. So many times i wish i could hug her in her last moments but i often wonder if i'd have the inner strength to do so. I hope she knew at least that i loved her more than anything. That she was my best friend. I think she did know that. She loved me unconditionally and so did i. That's the thing about animals, unlike people, their love is unconditional and endless. They will never let you down no matter what . Unlike people, she never broke my heart or caused me pain. Joy left me but i'll never let go of her memory.

"No words are needed, only a gaze, embrace... Contact the living, remember the dead..."

This post is dedicated to my beloved pets Joy and Honey who were my best friends and companions for many years. It is dedicated to all the people i've lost during my life in one way or another and i was not able to say goodbye to. I hope they knew or know how important they were for me and that i'll never forget them. I'm sorry i could not say goodbye in a better way. I'll love you forever and never forget you.

May we always be able to tell the people we love how much we care about them before it's too late.

"It's not fair, it's not fair, there was a time now... Kneeling down, take in the moment when Everything becomes finally clear. It's not fair to lose it, And how... there was a time now But Death is cheating us somehow..."