Torn

When i left Finland 3 years ago it was one of the hardest decisions i have ever made. Those last months before leaving were filled with sadness and anxiety but also with some sort of hope and excitement. Deep inside all those years living in Helsinki I've always known i would leave someday . Yet, as the time to say goodbye was closer it felt harder and harder. I tried to embrace every possible moment to be with friends, to bike to enjoy all my favorite places, to go to all those places i wanted. To enjoy every possible moment in the darkness and cold of November. Though November is the one month you won't be excited to be living in Finland as it is typically just dark , grey, cold and rainy most of the time, my last month there taught me that even in the darkest days there is beauty you can find if you just choose to see it.

As sad as i was leaving , i was excited as well to start a new life, new job in Israel in a Kibbutz. However, that excitement didn't last long. Ultimately, it would take me over a year to come in terms with the fact that i am an Israeli again. I couldn't accept it for such a long time. It was an emotional toll that i had no idea i would have to handle when i left. The problem was not just emotionally. I was physically broken as well , struggling with a hard case of plantar fasciitis in my left foot. I now know that most of my injuries happen usually when i go through stress or hard emotional periods. I was so broken that my foot was just a manifestation of my aching heart. There wouldn't be a single day when i wouldn't miss my home trails, sunny summer days, dark November days , biking with my friends, commuting to work, trail running in the forests, my favorite gym classes, all those things that were part of my daily life and i took for granted. I planted roots there and felt as if i was taken suddenly from my 'home' to a a new place i wasn't able to plant roots again. I was lost. My only salvation, was my rescue dog Nella who was the brighter light in my life. She gave me a reason to live. During 2019 i came back twice to Finland , first in the spring for my dissertation and secondly in the fall. Though the first visit was inevitable ( if i wanted to graduate) , it felt as if was just opening a wound i was so desperate to heal. In fact, my foot deteriorated so badly during my first visit that i could barely walk afterwards. When i left Finland in the fall of 2019 i was sure i would never come back. I needed to put the past behind me and move on. I was gradually healing both emotionally and finally by the beginning of 2020 i started to feel better.

And then suddenly everything changed. In the beginning of 2020 i started suffering from tension headaches and was completely wrecked for at least 2 months. I could not work, the only remedy was being outdoors. And then, of course, the pandemic came and changed all the cards. I lost my job unexpectedly and while at the beginning , this break was good for me, it later became stressful as i realized i needed to start again looking for a new job and possibly new home. This unexpected turn of event made me repent for leaving Finland even more. I decided that no matter what are the circumstances, if i would have a chance to come back to Finland, i would take it. Maybe after all the pain and turbulence in my life as a result of the pandemic and its consequences ,i could find my way back.

By the end of 2020, i started working for a small Finnish company ( ironically , this came as an opportunity even though i was looking for plenty of jobs in Israel as well). I would need to work remotely for much of 2021 due to continuous lockdowns and uncertainties but i was prepared to move back by end of summer. While one would expect me to be happy and thrilled i was hesitating a lot. I mean , starting a new life again in Helsinki after almost 3 year , could it actually work ? How would i manage to start again fresh there?

I decided with my boss it would be best if i first came to visit and then relocate permanently . Hence, i came for a visit in the beginning of September. While in the beginning i felt estranged there as so many things have changed, with time it got better and by the time i left i was determined to come back for good to Helsinki. Moreover , i decided i would do whatever it takes to relocate as soon as possible . And so, after overcoming several obstacles i was closer than eve to being a Finnish citizen again.

And then, unexpectedly everything changed. I realized how much i would miss my 'home' trails, the mountains, the landscapes, the Kibbutz , the dog park , running with my trail buddies, being able to run with shorts all year around, my backyard, everything. It suddenly became perfectly clear that without realizing i planted roots in Israel and that i was having hard time leaving. On top of that, perhaps as a way to deal with it, i decided to take a foster dog , Bluey who turned out to be one of the cutest and most adorable dogs i have ever met. He provided me with so much comfort in those last weeks. As i knew he would go to his new home once i leave it became incredibly hard to let him go.

The last two weeks in the Kibbutz were so incredibly hard emotionally. Similarly to how i felt before leaving Finland 3 years ago. I realized then that i would be forever torn between those two place. Those two extremely different locations that each of them was my home for a long time. One in one of the coldest capitals and second in a rural area in one of the hottest place on earth. Couldn't be anymore different . In one of my last runs there to one of my favorite places nearby, i couldn't help but started to cry as realized how much i'd miss this place. Although it was all yellow and hot and far from the green heaven it is in the winter, i realized how pretty it is even in late summer. Just like i found beauty dark November forests in Finland. If you look enough , you will find beauty in any place that is close to your heart.

Nella on top of 'Keren Ein Gev' waiting for me to climb up. One of the steepest climbs in Israel .

Even in summer i love this view. So much history lies there.

My backyard - 'Sirin' on an early foggy run after climbing to the highest point. My home is down there in the valley

A beautiful afternoon in the valley after climbing up to a local hill . I will miss this so much

Best friends forever on a morning run in the Golan heights

Sign of Fall in Golan Heights

My favorites- Nella and Bluey

And now, 6 weeks later , i am back to Israel for a visit after relocating to Helsinki. Sadly enough, after being there for a while i realized what i just couldn't see in my previous visit there . I didn't belong there anymore. I might have made the biggest mistake of my life leaving Finland 3 year ago. But i did it and i can't undo it anymore. This lost time is gone for good. Everything changed including me , and i just couldn't accept it. I realized i could not just jump back to the life i had before and that life is gone for good. I might be able to grow roots once again but i will have to start fresh again. all new beginning. Am i able to do it or should i go back home ? Even now i cannot fully answer this question . Time will tell. The realization that no matter where i choose to spend the rest of my life i will have to say goodbye to my former life and that hurts. I long to feel 'home' in one place that i would never want have to leave again. Just home .

One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite Israeli poets, Leah Goldberg.

אורן

כָּאן לֹא אֶשְׁמַע אֶת קוֹל הַקּוּקִיָּה. כָּאן לֹא יַחְבֹּשׁ הָעֵץ מִצְנֶפֶת שֶׁלֶג, אֲבָל בְּצֵל הָאֳרָנִים הָאֵלֶּה כָּל יַלדוּתִי שֶׁקָּמָה לִתְחִיָּה.

צִלְצוּל הַמְּחָטִים: הָיֹה הָיָה אֶקְרָא מוֹלֶדֶת לְמֶרְחַב-הַשֶּׁלֶג, לְקֶרַח יְרַקְרַק כּוֹבֵל הַפֶּלֶג, לִלְשׁוֹן הַשִּׁיר בְּאֶרֶץ נָכְרִיָּה. אוּלַי רַק צִפֳּרֵי-מַסָּע יוֹדְעוֹת- כְּשֶׁהֵן תְּלוּיוֹת בֵּין אֶרֶץ וְשָׁמַיִם - אֶת זֶה הַכְּאֵב שֶׁל שְׁתֵּי הַמּוֹלָדוֹת.

אִתְּכֶם אֲנִי נִשְׁתַּלְתִּי פַּעֲמַיִם, אִתְּכֶם אֲנִי צָמַחְתִּי, אֳרָנִים, וְשָׁרָשַׁי בִּשְׁנֵי נוֹפִים שׁוֹנִים

Nice spot for a break in Laajasalo

Frozen typical landscape in Finland . That bridge leads to a tiny island in Laajasalo, Helsinki